so this is christmas

Loca - today we meet Tiff and her little boy Finn! Can you believe it? All the years you've known us and today is the first time we meet one another! We will celebrate our mutual amiga who has brought us together. We wish that you were here in body with us but we know that you are most definitely here in spirit. Its also nearly Christmas so extra celebrations and also extra big love going to your family and Adam who are sure to feel your absence this time of year. We miss you and we love you guapa....... Oh and Sonny says MERRY CHRISTMAAAAASSSS!!!! xxxx

Dear friend,

I am going to adopt Kir's new 'laugh-cry' verb. Its inspired and exactly how thinking of you works. Often I am gazing, staring in to space when I should be doing my studies, thinking about what you would make of something or rather. I continue to seek your thoughts, they make me smile. Its a happiness but a sad-happiness too, longing that you were still here, just a Skype away

Anyway chica mia, I heard about this guy the other day on the radio and wanted to mail you immediately ... you would have loved it!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14931681

that dumb movie

I was watching an episode of mad men and out of nowhere I thought of you and began to weep and weep and weep. In that moment I realized I miss you so so much and I just couldn't stop crying and then I was remembering that stupid movie I made us goto in September in New York and you said "someone better not die of cancer in this film" and I said "of course not!" and then someone bloody well did!!! And we both left the cinema before the end of the movie and had a good cry on the steps while waiting for Vanessa to finish watching it. Remembering that made me laugh and cry so now I'm laugh crying and missing you but at the same time remembering you so clearly its like you're here for this moment, I can see your expression and you're laugh crying too. Laugh crying is funny. You were always pretty funny. I love you and I miss you. :-( :-)

Visiting Friends

Guapa,
Tiff is coming to Sydney at Christmas time! Exciting!
I get to meet this friend of yours that meant so much to you, the two of you were so close and you spoke about her so well and so often.
It will be so nice to be able to sit and chat about our Mia memories, to bring you back into the room and laugh at all your personality nuances. You'll be there laughing with us I'm sure.
Can't wait to meet you Tiff. Mia always had such good taste, I'm pretty sure you are no exception!

Sweet and tasty

Chica, just had such a great trip home. There was a wedding that you should have been at. I missed you badly that night. How can I fend for myself with that lot without you there? ... and when I landed in Malaga ... why weren't you there to pick me up? Joe and I saw you though and I feel such wonderful peace those moments when I feel you close. We did some hanging out in the woods with your trees. Chatting and chilling fireside. They are of course bearing fruit. I am sure that it is unusual for trees so young to bear fruit but then how could I expect anything less with your ashes fueling their roots. The fruit was sweet and tasty. We ate all that was there and Finn wanted more. Can we have more next time please?
Amor y amor y amor xxx

Guapa - Sonny turns 1 on Thursday! Can you believe it? Time flies. Noemi turned 8 last week!!! She's so tall and beautiful. You're on my mind as these moments roll past us. All moments we would have shared. Miss you chica xx

Changes, sames.

My dearest Mia,

Today marks two years since we said goodbye in a breezy, sunlit room in San Diego, with Ella Fitzgerald singing sweetly along.

So much has changed around our Lower East Side neighborhood since then. The pickle store downstairs is now a cigar shop, for example, and the bar on Clinton Street where we first met ("the local") is has been remade as an Irish pub (pretty good, actually). Some things are the same, of course. Babycakes still makes amazing agave-sweetened mini-brownies, and the "Thai place" downstairs (the one that never was actually Thai but makes great organic burgers) is still going strong.

I wish I could tell you I'm tear-free these days but I'm not gonna lie. I cry some when I think about all the sweetness and the heat and the love and the friendship we shared. I don't cry for our time together but for the emptiness left in the wake. The three years we spent together were just the preface to a most brilliant book; a delicious appetizer and cocktail, signaling a fantastic multi-course meal to come; the opening strains of the first song on the most incredible album of all time—the album we'd want to keep pressing the Repeat button on—the album that would reveal new sounds and new images with every spin, even with its familial comfort. As best as I can, I channel my sadness into positive things. I'm writing songs, taking pictures, doing some healthy cooking at home. Also trying to just relax and enjoy myself, as you told me to do so many times. It's not always easy.

I don't have a clear concept of Heaven, or of reincarnation, but I do believe you are somewhere special now. I can't begin to imagine what it looks like, smells like, feels like, but I hope there are juicy burgers and crispy frites and cold lagers. I hope there are children who will be drawn to your shining spirit and make you laugh; I know you will teach them how to live their lives to the fullest and show them how how to tell their own stories through photography and writing. I hope 'The Big Lebowski' is playing in a beautiful old movie theater, and that you watch it with a big bag of buttery, salty popcorn, laughing out loud at Walter and the Dude. I hope you've got your laptop, and iPod, a good pair of boots, your big North Face Coat, and fuck-off sunglasses.

Missing you madly, singing for you always, and—as promised—growing my beard and not losing my belly.

Hugs, kisses, and so much more,
~Adam

Another year already...

The Tide Recedes - M D Hughes

The tide recedes, but leaves behind
Bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down but gentle warmth
Still lingers on the land.

The music stops and yet it lingers on
In sweet refrain.
For every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains

we miss you xxxx

mañana, mañana ....

Two years since you had to go mi amor. Time feels rather confusing in relation to all those thoughts and feelings. That wise man Rumi said, ""Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form." ... and so, like that, I keep looking to find you everywhere. You are, of course, in all the best places, all the wonderful moments. Keep them coming for us all. I miss you always. I daydream the emails and pictures I would be sending you and the answers I would get back.
Can you see how heavenly our boy is? Did you help make him in your very model of perfection?! You genius. Love you. Always keeping my EYE out for you.
besos y mucho mucho amor

XXXXXXXX

that time of year

its that time of year again guapa, thinking of you and missing you always. The chicas simply aren't the same without you angel. But - our lives are all full and each of us is growing everyday. The change in weather is welcome by me here and with the new season comes new life and new ideas. I think of you often and feel your absence more acutely with time. So many conversations I still want to have with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts,input and advice. You are simply irreplaceable loca. I know what your answers would look like though and thinking on that always makes me smile :-)

Another cosmic visit.

I flew home last Sunday night from a recording session in Kentucky. It's not that many miles from Lexington to New York City, but it was a long flying trip with a delayed layover in the ATL airport. When I finally landed in New York at 3:00 a.m., I felt yucky from so many hours in the airport. I couldn't wait to get home and wash the trip off of me. I stripped off everything—even my wedding ring, which I have never slept without. I woke up the next morning and there was a deep imprint on my forearm—as if I'd slept on top of my ring all night. Except that I didn't sleep on it. My ring was in the next room. There was a second ring indent, smaller, a couple of inches higher and around the outside (half-way off the edge of my arm, just above the 'Celebrate the Memories' photo envelope in the background). I cannot explain this in any rational way. There was nothing in the bed with me that could have made these indents.

Mysteries, mysteries...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU BEAUTIFUL SOUL!! You are still here and everywhere.

Your 2nd birthday on high chica. Miss you more than ever. This morning ma sent me this. I thought it would make you giggle, a bit of sillyness for your birthday. Te Quiero ...

xxxxx

Happy Birthday Guapa

Happy Birthday to You

Happy Birthday to You

Happy Birthday dear Miiiiaaaa

Happy Birthday to You

Love you to the moon and back - hope birthdays in heaven are special days too xxxx

I had a funny sort of visitation—or cosmic prank?—last week, as I was walking near Venice Beach, California. I was wearing a knit cap that had been Mia's, which I wear all the time in autumn and winter. (Even when she was alive, I somehow managed to appropriate this hat as my own.) I was talking out loud to Mia, playfully asking, "Where are you, Love? Are you in the sun? In the grass? In the trees? In the shade?" I suddenly became aware of something gently scratching the middle of my forehead, underneath the knit cap. It was a ladybug! How'd she get under my cap, right at that moment?

Mia has visited me a few times, usually through butterflies, but there have been a few ladybugs too.

Here’s a picture of me that Mia shot, from 2007 or '08. That’s the cap, there.



9 January 2011 is the 2nd anniversary of our wedding day. Extra-sweet kisses and hugs to Mia today, wherever her spirit may wander.